Pirates of the Ring: Far Side of the World
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: LotRPotCMaC crossover. Put it in LotR because it takes place in Middle Earth. Much halariosity and so on and so forth. Give it a try. SLASH. R&R, people!
1. In Which the Council Argues and Stuff

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Master and Commander, PotC, or LotR except the DVDs. I keep Nagle in my closet anyway. Another one of my fics from a while ago but it's better than the others. Again, as with a few of my LotR fics, this one is on council of elrond under my penname crazyelvenfangirl. I wrote this a while ago but it doesn't need as much fixing as the Legolas' Life one (that was my first ever...). R&R!

Oh, yeah, and I'm posting the firstfour chapters at once, so respond to the questions at the bottom if you wish, but they're not gonna be answered (except the questions at the end of ch.4...). Please review anyway!

* * *

--Aboard the well-known pirate ship, the Black Pearl-- 

Captain Jack Sparrow hefted the helm of the Black Pearl to the left (at least, he thought it was his left -- Jack really wasn't too good with that sort of thing). He tapped his gold teeth thoughtfully as he gazed at his compass.

"JACK!" screeched Annemaria. "Where in bloody blazes are you taking us?"

"Patience, Annemaria, we'll get there soon enough."

The sound of a sharp slap echoed through the ship, and the crew members struggled to maintain straight faces.

"Where are you taking my ship!" Annemaria screamed in Jack's ear. "You're driving us right straight into a bloody damned FOG! There's even ANOTHER SHIP there! I can hear it!"

Sure enough, shouts of "Pull together, men!" and "Pull! Pull for the fog bank!" could be heard, as well as the sucking sound oars make when pulled quickly from the water. Jack drew himself up and opened his mouth. Then shut it, sagging slightly.

"As I have no idea what the bloody blazing hell is going on here, I will be sending a trained reconnaissance force to investigate this alleged other ship," Jack slurred. Leaning over the guardrail, he bellowed, "WILL! GET YOUR STUPID ASS UP HERE!"

Twenty minutes later, Jack, Annemaria, Will, Elizabeth, and five or six pirates who serve no practical purpose in our story other than to, well, be there, set out in a rowboat toward the shouts.

--Aboard the HMS Surprise, of the British Royal Navy--

A faint cry was heard, coming softly through the fog. "Bloody stupid women!" SLAP!

Captain Jack Aubrey turned on his heel and strode to the rail. He leaned over and peered through the heavy vapor surrounding the ship. He saw nothing but the ropes attaching the Surprise's bow to the rowboats steering her. But the shout had come from the stern…"Tom! What was that? I thought all men were ordered quiet!" he hissed in a low voice.

"I'm not sure, sir. We've no women aboard."

"Call the men back. I don't trust this. I want the watch ready if this turns to our disadvantage. We're not the only ship out there with a cunning captain."

"Sir, do you really think the French will follow us here?" asked Tom Pullings.

"I'm not sure."

"The voice did sound English, sir. Perhaps-" Hollum put in timidly.

"I've survived this long in this business by being careful. You can never be too careful, man." With that, he clapped Hollum on the shoulder and, gesturing for Pullings to follow him, headed to the stern where the helmsman, Bonden, was standing. "Bonden, take five or six men and ready the stern cannons. Do not fire until I give the word." He nodded and went off to carry out the captain's orders. Aubrey sent Pullings to help, and proceeded to round up his senior officers and debate their next move.

--In Middle Earth (several hours after the above episodes happened)--

"-this one doom-"

A panicked elf ran into the pavilion where the Council was being held. Bowing quickly to Elrond and the and the rest of the Council, he gasped, "Ship-huge-men-swords-odd arrows-river-coming here-GAAAA! Elrond, why-tiara-Arwen's favorite dress-what-"

Elrond grasped the elf firmly by the shoulders and shook him vigorously until he shut up. "Tell us again, and slooooowly, and this is MY dres_-robe!"_

Legolas snickered and whispered something to Figwit.

"WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE THAT WITH THE REST OF THE COUNCIL, YOUNG LEGOLAS?"

Trying desperately not to laugh, Legolas shared it with the council.

"THIS IS NOT A TIARA! NOR IS IT FROM SAURON! I NEVER DATED-THAT'S COMPLETELY-I NEVER DID-WE NEVER-THERE WAS NOTHING BETWEEN SAURON AND MYSELF, SO YOU CAN ALL STOP LAUGHING!"

Once the Council settled down, the elf gave them his message. "Strange men who spoke not the Elvish tongue, nor Dwarfish, nor Rohirric, nor Gondorian, nor-"

"We get it already…" said Elrond through his teeth. The elf gulped and continued. "Strange men who speak the Common tongue strangely appeared through a mist into our part of the river. There was one who looked like Prince Legolas, and one who looked as the Halfling.

"We have four halflings."

"Actually, I can't tell them apart..."

Elrond rolled his eyes and motioned for the messenger to continue. "Which Halfing?"

"You know, the really cute one with the curly blonde hair? He's so adorable…"

"Merry?" asked Frodo.

"No.Pippin. But tha-"

"Merry is so much cuter than Pippin though!" argued one of the Men.

"Is not!" insisted Boromir.

"Is too!" stated Gandalf.

"NUH-UH!" pouted Bormir.

"YUH-HUH!" sulked Bilbo.

"NO!" shouted Elrond.

"YES!" yelled Sauron.

"NOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!" screamed Figwit with his hands over his ears to block out, and therefore eliminate, any opposing views.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEES YES YES YES YES!" hollered half of the Council.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" cried the other half.

Pippin and Merry, lurking in the bushes like two short lurking people, smirked.

* * *

Will the Council ever stop arguing? 

Will Arwen get her favorite purple dress back?

What will happen when the three worlds meet?

Will I have to tweak things so that firearms don't get into Middle Earth and screw things up?

Will I have the attention span to write another chapter?

And who IS cuter: Merry or Pippin?

Tune in next time to find out!


	2. Meetings and Arguments

BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Chapter 2 is up, and the questions I put at the end of chapter 1 are going to be answered! Sort of… BUT FIRST: I don't own Lord of the Rings (I wish I did), I do not own Master and Commander (I wish I did), and I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean (I wish I did). I am destined to own nothing but the circumstances in which this story happens and the elf who comes running to RUDELY interrupt the council. Go VSD's by Cassie Claire (mother of the greatest LotR slash I and my friends have EVER read). I only hope mine can come close…

I realize you all are getting bored so I will shut up and tell the story.

BUT FIRST--  
Will the Council ever stop arguing? NEVER! AHAHAHAHA!  
Will Arwen get her favorite purple dress back? She has to be nice to me.  
What will happen when the three worlds meet? There will be salsa dip.

Will I have to tweak things so that firearms don't get into Middle Earth and screw things up? OF COURSE!  
Will I have the attention span to write another chapter? That remains to be seen…  
And who IS cuter: Merry or Pippin? PIPPIN OF COURSE! (based on opinions voiced in reviews on council of elrond)

And now the story.

* * *

--Aboard the rowboat from the Black Pearl-- 

"I don't see what the bloody hell they can do abou-"

"Jack, will you shut UP so we can decide what to do!" whispered Will, emphasizing every few words with a sharp elbow in the ribs.

They were in the shadow of the HMS Surprise, and it was being turned around by other rowboats attached to the bow. Adding to the fun were several gun crews readying their cannons. Cannons that happened to be pointing at the pirates.

--Aboard the HMS Surprise--

"There they are!" shouted Joseph Nagle, a young sailor (and my personal favorite…).

"We have them now, sir," Pullingsassured to Aubrey.

"Do NOT fire until I give the word, men! Tom, hand me the spyglass and the horn."

"Yes, sir." Pullings gathered the requested items, and before you ask, it is not the "Horn of Gondor" type of horn (yet).

"Here you are, sir!" said Pullings.

"Very good, Tom." Aubrey took the spyglass and peered through it at the sorry bunch of pirates on the boat.

--Aboard the rowboat--

"WE ARE NOT A SORRY BUNCH!"

Don't pick a fight with the narrator. I will always win.

"What can you do to us? You're just a bloody voice!" laughed Jack.

I can do any number of things. Watch.

The crew aboard the rowboat all got soaked in a sudden storm that tore their boat into shreds. Jack felt a tentacle brush up against his leg, then take hold with a crushing grip that threatened to break his lower extremities.

That's what I can do.

"All…right…" gasped Jack. "You...can…stop…now…"

Not until you say you're sorry…

"Fine…fine…I'm…sorry…" panted Jack, struggling to keep the tentacles from closing about his head.

Very well. A brave band of lovely ghosts-

"GHOSTS?" gasped Jack, laughing wheezily. The tentacles pulled him under and started to-

"HE'S SORRY! HE'S SORRY!"

Fine, fine, have it your way. So, as I was saying, ghosts came in and rescued Jack and the others, who were unharmed because THEY were being nice to me. And they rebuilt the boat and put the pirates back into it. And, yes, I suppose the tentacles have to go back down for a nap. If I may get back to the HMS Surprise-?

"Yes, yes, by all bloody means…" grumbled Jack.

Thank you.

--Aboard the HMS Surprise--

The crew, laughing in hysterics at what had just happened, quickly pulled themselves together, so as not to offend their exceptionally beautiful, kind, wise, benevolent, enertaini-

"Ahem," interjected Aubrey.

My apologies. On with the story.

So Aubrey looked, and saw they were not French. He called over to them through the horn thing. (No, not that kind of horn…)

"HELLO! YOU THERE, ON THE BOAT! WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

"WE'RE FROM ENGLAND, YOU BLOO-"

"SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT LAST BIT? I COULDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU!"

"I SAID, WE'RE FROM ENGLAND, WHY?"

Turning to Pullings, Aubrey made a quick and fateful decision. "Send out a boat and bring them aboard."

"Aye, sir."

--In the Council meeting in Imladris, Middle earth--

"…and so we have decided that by majority vote, Pippin is cuter than Merry!" This first decision by the Council was met with much applause.

Elrond woke up with a start. "The Ring must be destroyed. One of you must do this."

"Well, of course I won't say yes to him, he is sooo ugly, I mean, come on, he's a dwarf for Eru's sake. He said what? Like, oh my Valar, that is sooo rude! How CAN he just dump you like that! Hang on-someone on the other line-"

Legolas' vital conversation was rudely interrupted by Elrond, who incidently, does not look good in purple. It really does make him look like an eggplant…

"That's bloody favoritism, that is…" grumbled Elrond. "Just because Drama Queen Lego here is the bloody prettiest, the bloody narrator has to go taking HIS side…"

It's not my fault you're not as pretty as he is. Blame Tolkien, if you dare.

"I am TOO pretty!"

Are not.

"Are TOO!"

Are not.

"ARE TOO!"

Are not.

"ARE TOO!"

Are too!

"ARE NOT!"

Ha, I win.

"Hey, that's Lego's thing from another fan fiction!"

Elrond was unfortunately attacked by a mob of fangirls who know that Legolas doesn't like being called 'Lego'. No, I didn't call him- NO! STOP! WAIT! NOOOOOOOO!

Elrond cleared his throat with as much dignity as he could muster from atop the pillar of the pavilion. "The meeting will continue on the ground when the fangirls allow us to come down. Meanwhile, we have important things to discuss--purple IS my color, right?"

"No, it's not!" said Gandalf. "You look horrible in purple! And you should really give Arwen back her dress."

"It is a ROBE!" screamed Elrond, going purple in the face. Ha. Now he really does look like an eggplant. Point and laugh, everyone!

"OH YEAH?" shouted Elrond (still purple).

Yep.

"Well, Figwit is the prettiest one here, so ha!" said Elrong smugly.

"Is not! Legolas is prettier!" insisted Frodo.

"Figwit!" said Gloin.

"Legolas!" said Gimli.

"FIGWIT!"

"LEGOLAS!"

"FIGWIT!"

LEGOLAS!"  
----------------  
Who is prettier- Legolas or Figwit?  
What will happen when the pirates come aboard?  
Will there be competition between Jack Aubrey and Jack Sparrow?  
Will I remember to put up another chapter?  
Will Jack ever learn I am more powerful than he is?  
What will I have to do to keep guns out of Middle Earth?  
And WHY did somebody reply that FRODO was cuter than BOTH Merry AND Pippin?


	3. In Which Few Folk Argue

**Who is prettier- Legolas or Figwit?** Legolas, by popular opinion.  
**What will happen when the pirates come aboard?** READ THE STORY!  
**Will there be competition between Jack Aubrey and Jack Sparrow?** Well, DUH!  
**Will I remember to put up another chapter?** Great question.  
**Will Jack ever learn I am more powerful than he is?** No, so we just decided to gang up on everyone else.  
**What will I have to do to keep guns out of Middle Earth?** I have no idea. I'll tell you as soon as I figure it out.  
**And WHY did somebody reply that FRODO was cuter than BOTH Merry AND Pippin?** Because of Frodo's prettyful eyes, as near as I can tell.

On with the story.

* * *

--Aboard the HMS Surprise-- 

"..And that's when they made me their chief," concluded Jack. There was an awed silence. Okay, fine, there were four sailors and a pirate snoring…

"Alright, I can bloody well take a hint! It wasn't THAT boring!"

Yes it was. That's why I only included the last line.

"WHAT! YOU PROMISED YOU'D PUT THE WHOLE STORY IN, YOU BLOODY LIAR!"

I crossed my fingers. So ha.

Before Jack could argue any further, the ship hit something. The ship gave a sickening lurch as sleeping pirates and sailors were thrown to the floor (obviously, they weren't sleeping NOW) as the ship beached itself on the bank of the river. The river was, in fact, the upper of the two tributaries of the Bruinen. These two tributaries from a triangle with the mountains, fencing in the Elven city/stronghold of Imladris.

"Oh, shut UP! We don't know any of the places you're talking about, and my head hurts thanks to this _-/-unprintable term-/-_!" moaned Peter Calamy, a young lieutenant, referring to the pain caused by the hangover from the inordinate amount of rum the night before and from smashing quite literally headlong into Jack.

"Yes, we get it, his head hurts."

Just clarifying.

"Yes, yes, that's all very good and well, now can you tell us what in God's name is going on here? Who are those men on the bank?"

/Smacks forehead/ First of all, while you're in this world, it's ERU or VALAR not 'God'. Second, they are not 'men', they are elves. Third, you have drool all over your face, Mr. Calamy, so I suggest you wash up before I continue.

"It's not ALL over 'is face, more on the right side and his fore'ead a little bit…"

Stop aggravating me.

--On the Riverbank--

"O, Ratty, this is just marvelous!"

"Really? I wasn't sure, it isn't all that much…"

A shout was heard from the huge ship on the bank opposite the gluttonous picnickers.

"WRONG STORY, MATES!"

"O! dear me, Mole, let's up and pack. Back to the rowboat now!"

I hated that book. But my friend, Bill, he does this hilarious thing, he---never mind. Sorry guys. I'll get on with it.

Of the ten or so elves on the bank, nine had bows. And arrows.

"MEN OF SAURON! PREPARE TO DIE!" They fired.

--Aboard the Surprise--

"OW!"

"OW!"

"HEY!"

"OW!"

"OW! HEY, YA KNOW, FEEL FREE TO _OW!_ STOP THE ARROWS ANY TIME NOW!"

No, it adds dramatic tension. Besides, I turned them into rock sright before they hit you, so you won't get hurt.

"Fine! To arms, men!" shouted Pullings and Aubrey. The sailors, drilled constantly, rushed to the gun ports to find…

The cannons had vanished.

"What's the bloody idea, taking our guns away!" screamed Aubrey.

The men on deck, some firing rifles, were asking the same sort of question.

"What the bloody hell are you trying to pull here?" demanded Will.

"Yes, it would be nice if we could DEFEND OURSELVES since _someone_ coughyoucough won't help us!" said Elizabeth through gritted teeth.

Well, I can't let guns into Middle Earth, can I?

Seagoers: "YES, YOU CAN!"

Readers: NO, YOU CAN'T!

"YES WE CAN!"

No you can't.

"WHY NOT!"

In addition to the fact that I SAID SO, no one in Middle Earth has ever seen gunpowder. I'm not even sure if it exists here. (mustn't talk about Saruman's little "Olympic Torch" scene in TTT) Bringing that kind of technology here would totally screw up the world, not to mention I'd get rebuked by the InterRealm Narrator's Association. Crossing technology just isn't good, unless it's something like Fandom where the worlds are all mixed up anyway. Furthermore-notices everyone's asleep

And so the elves ran out of arrows and decided to row over and see what was up. The elf who was shot woke up, er, not shot. And so the seafarers went with the elves to Imladris, arriving just an hour after the messenger elf.

Legolas and Will stood face to face, staring.

Pippin and Bonden did much the same, except Pippin was standing on a chair.

"COOL!" shouted Pippin and Bonden, and immediately started talking about food, women, and rum.

"RUM? MINE!" shouted Jack.

The Council shrugged, and sent someone to get rum. All of the seafarers but Jack (never got hangovers), Will (still staring at Legolas) and Bonden (last night's designated driver) groaned.

Legolas and Will both blinked.

"Wow, you're not bad looking," commented Legolas.

"Neither are you!" said Will.

"ASH NAZG DURBATULUK!" shouted Gandalf, awakened by the clamor.

"Was that the Black Speech, Gandalf?" asked Elrond sternly. "No. Bad boy. You go wash your mouth out right now."

"But Elrond, it wasn't the Black Speech! Legolas doesn't look like he's gonna throw up!"

Elrond looked over at Legolas and Will. Or, rather, the bush they were in.

"LEGOLAS!"

"Yes?" came the muffled reply.

"Oh, sorry, you're over THERE. I see." Elrond turned to the bush that had several articles of clothing hanging from the branches. Not very bright, is he?

"I'LL DEAL WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, STUPID MORTAL! Did you just throw up, young elf?"

"YES, HE DID, AND IT WAS SOOOOOO GROSS!" shouted Will.

I am no mere mortal/pout/

Elrond smiled smugly, then turned back to Gandalf. "YOU HEARD HIM!"

"But Elrond! It's not faiiiiiiir!"

"MARCH, MISTER!" Elrond turned back to the Council, who were watching Bonden and Pippin to see who could chug more Red Hot Salsa dip in the space of five minutes. "I think Legolas has finally cracked. Will isn't nearly as pretty as I am. Or even Legolas!"

I am deeply offended. Will is prettier than you, and Legolas is prettier than you both.

"What's all the fuss about? Fighting over me?" asked Jack.

No, not really.

"Damn." And with that elegant parting remark, Jack went off to watch the Salsa Chug.  
--------------------------------------  
Who will win the Salsa Competition-Bonden or Pippin?  
Who is prettier-Legolas, Will, or Elrond? (if someone picks Elrond, stay on the computer and I will send for help.)  
Why didn't the Council argue?  
Why don't I have any good questions?


	4. In Which the Buddy System is Employed

**Who will win the Salsa Competition-Bonden or Pippin? **Probably Pippin; he can eat more.  
**Who is prettier-Legolas, Will, or Elrond? (if someone picks Elrond, stay on the computer and I will send for help.)** By popular opinion…it was a three-way tie. Legolas got one vote, Will got one vote, and I desperately hope the person who voted for Elrond was kidding…  
**Why didn't the Council argue?** Because there wasn't much controversy and they were too busy eating and drinking.  
**Why don't I have any good questions?** Because I had to fit a lot in that short bit and I didn't have much controversial stuff in that chapter….(that's something we shall have to remedy, isn't it?)

* * *

After much confusion, the characters all took a vote and sent a petition up to the Author to ask for a dialogue-type story where it's a bit easier to figure out. I agreed. If you think the other way's better, REVIEW AND TELL ME SO! So, here we are. The Council. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, crickets are cricketing, fangirls are lurking in the bushes, elves are nancing, humans are stinking up the place, the hobbits are eating, Bonden is lying on the floor groaning and clutching his stomach, Pippin is going back for seconds, people are yelling at me to hurry up and quit with the run-on sentences, and the Council opens…

**Elrond:** So there are gonna be nine of you, to combat the Nine Riders.

**Merry:** Wait…aren't we planning to win?

**Elrond:** Well, yes, I suppose so…

**Merry:** So shouldn't we have MORE people?

**Will:** Yeah, besides, some of us want to come to!

**Jack:** So, these 'Nine Rider' wossnames…they dangerous?

**Elrond:** Oh, yes! They were once men, vile, scummy, stinky men, and they were given rings of power by Sauron the Deceiver, and now they are powerful, vile scummy, stinky wraiths of DOOOOOOOOOOOM/evil laugh/

**Elven Council Member # 4:** ./ahem/ Milord? You're scaring the visitors…

**Elrond:** Oh, so sorry…/clears throat/. Okay, what do we have to work with?

**Frodo:** I guess I'll go, but I don't know where Mordor is…

**Aragorn:** THAT'S OKAY! I'LL SHOW YOU!

**Frodo:** AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! STALKER! ./whimpers/

**Legolas:** Uh, yeah…I'll go, because you should always have something pretty to look at. I can also massacre orcs without a single strand of hair coming out of place. Besides, we need SOMEone to keep standards up, right?

**Gimli:** Okay, okay! You can stop hinting, Legolas, I'll go along too. /winks/

**Legolas:** AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ./hides/

**Elrond:** Okay, so that's…/counts with finger/ one…two…three…four…FOUR! We need more people.

**Boromir:** I'll go, I guess.

**Elrond:** AHHHHH! WHEN DID YOU GET HERE!

**Boromir:** Three weeks ago.

**Elrond:** Oh. I thought that smell was Aragorn.

**Aragorn:** STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! ./sob/ I already took a bath just two years ago!

**Elrond:** ./backs away/ Okay, right, who else is going?

**Merry**: ./nudges Pippin/ we're coming t-... /whispers/ Pippin! Get up!

**Pippin:** ./eats/

**Merry:** ./carries Pippin over/ we're…coming…too…/drops/ Erudammit, you're heavy!

**Nanny Ogg:** Well, we did have a queen who was called Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling of Lancre, and there was also My God He's Heavy the First…

**Granny Weatherwax:** GYTHA! WRONG CHAPTER!

**Nanny Ogg:** So sorry, lads…and by the way, if any of you fine gentlemen would be interested, my house is just a mile down south and then you turn left at this funny tree, and you go for about a-

**Granny:** GYTHA!

**Nanny Ogg:** Coming, Esme! ./winks/

**Council:** ./shudder/

**Elrond:** So, yes, now we have…/counts/ one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…SEVEN!

**Gandalf:** ./calls from other room/ Can I come back out now?

**Elrond:** Yes, but only if you join the Fellowship.

**Gandalf:** Okay. /comes out into pavilion/ Has anyone seen my pointy hat? I fell asleep during the Council and now I can't find it…

**Sam:** I'm coming too, Mr. Frodo! You can't leave without me! You can run, but you can't hide! I'll find you, Mr. Frodo! There's nowhere you can go that I won't follow!

**Frodo:** ./disturbed/

**Sam:** Ah, yes, well, overcome by the moment there, yes, well, uh, hey, there are only nine volunteers! Aren't the other people coming, too?

**Now, before you all go volunteering, all non-Middle Earth inhabitants who want to go on the quest, stand over there. Right. We're going to use the buddy system. Where one Middle Earth character goes, the non-Middle Earth buddy goes. Right. Pair up with a member of the Fellowship, then I'll see who you've chosen and separate certain people. Okay, go ahead. **

**Jack:** Hey, Gandalf, wha-

**Gandalf:** Get away from me, you drunken, smelly human.

**Will:** I'll go with Legolas!

**Elizabeth:** ./pout/ Fine, I'll go with…Merry!

**Merry:** TAG! YOU'RE IT!

**Aubrey:** Well, Stephen, who would you care to be "buddies" with?

**Stephen:** I believe I shall choose that Aragorn character as my 'buddy'.

**Aubrey:** Well, the next sane person looks like either the guy with the round shield or the child covered in hair.

**Gimli:** Dwarf. I'm a dwarf.

**Aubrey:** Of course you are, little boy.

**Gimli:** I'M FLIPPING THRICE AS OLD AS YOU ARE!

**Aubrey:** Of course you are. Now, I'm going to go be buddies with the nice man with the shield, okay?

**Gimli:** GOOD RIDDANCE, HAIRLESS FREAK!

**Okay, everyone, stand next to your buddy. **

**Gandalf:** ./tries to push Jack Sparrow away without actually touching him/ YOU'RE WORSE THAN ARAGORN!

**Boromir:** ./compares weapons with Aubrey/

**Aragorn:** So, Stephen, could you explain this "hygiene" thing to me again?

**Bonden:** So, see, when you eat a biscuit from the ship, you have to tap it like _this_... /smashes biscuit against stone wall/ to get all the bugs out, okay Pi- Pippin?

**Pippin:** ./mouth full/ Meph?

**Bonden:** . . .

**Elizabeth:** ./squishing Merry/ OOOOOOOOOO you're so cuuuuuute!

**Merry:** ./can't breathe/

**Frodo:** So, what's your name again?

**Calamy:** Peter. Peter Calamy.

**Frodo:** Okay, right. You know, you have really weird names where you're from.

**Gimli:** I don't have a buddy.

**Legolas:** Hahahahahahahaha I have TWO buddies! In your FACE, you ugly, hairy dwarf!

**Gimli:** ./sniffle/

**Will Turner and Nagle:** ./glare at each other/

**Little Will:** Do you have any lines?

**Sam:** Yes, of course I do! Humph. "Do you have any rope…" Who wouldn't pack rope? I mean, everyone needs rope. Of course I have rope in my bag. /injured pride/ Why wouldn't I pack rope?

**In case you hadn't noticed, dear reader, that is a nod to the books…Just wanted to point out that yes, I did read them…**

**Warley:** I don't have a partner!

**Stop whining. Okay. Jack, you can be buddies with Gandalf. **

Gandalf: ./glower/

Jack: About time you were on my side.

**No problem. Right then, Stephen and Aragorn, I suppose you two can be buddies as well…**

**Aragorn and Stephen:** YESSSSSSS! ./secret handshake they just made up/

**Okay, yeah, Boromir, you can't be buddies with Aubrey. **

**Boromir:** AWWWWWWW! Why not?

**I said so. Anyway, I want you to be buddies with Calamy. Aubrey and Frodo, would you two go stand with Warley and Gimli, please? Thank you. Bonden, would you be a dear and go stand over there too? Yeah, it's just I want little Will with Pippin, yes, right, Sam, you go over there with Bonden too…**

**Legolas:** I get to have two buddies, right? There are only nine Middle Earth people and ten people from...wherever they came from. So I should be able to have two buddies.

**No, I'm sorry, Will has to be buddies with someone else. Could you go stand over there with the other guys, Will? Thanks. You guys are doing awesome. Okay, Elizabeth, I'm sorry, but you aren't going with Merry. You have to let go now. Elizabeth, no, really, let go, he's turning blue, you have to le- ELIZABETH SWANN! PUT HIM DOWN RIGHT NOW OR YOU WON'T GET TO GO WITH THE FELLOWSHIP! I'LL COUNT TO THREE! One, two, three! ALRIGHT, MISSY, YOU'RE STAYING IN IMLADRIS! Bonden, would you pry Merry out of her grip? There you go. Okay. Elizabeth, go inside. **

**Elizabeth:** But, but I was go-

**_NOW_**

**Elizabeth:** ./grumble/

**Now who's left…For Middle Earth people, we have Gimli, Sam, Frodo, and Merry. For the other people, we have Will Turner, Bonden, Warley, and Aubrey. Hmm. Let's see…Bonden, you're going with Sam and Will's going with Frodo, and…STEPHEN! You're going to be buddies with Gimli, not Aragorn, and Aubrey, you are going to be buddies with Aragorn. No complaining. Hmm, Merry and Warley…doesn't quite feel right… **

**Warley:** I'm, uh, actually not going.

**You're not? **

**Warley:** No, I'm not. I think I'll uh, stay here, with, uh, with Arwe-

**Aragorn:** ./evil look/

**Warley:** Are…any of you guys hungry? I think I'll go get some food…/runs off/

**Okay. Why don't you all go pack and get food and stuff while I try to figure out who Merry's buddy is going to be…/ponders/ **

* * *

Who should Merry's buddy be?  
What has the Council been doing whilst I have been assigning buddies?  
Should I keep writing slashy chapters?  
Why do some people tell me to write this without slash even though I say in the description it has some in it?  
Should I pay attention to them?  
How far should they get on the journey in the next chapter? 

Is there a better substitute for aterisks than slashes?


End file.
